Radio 2 - Still better than all the rest......
Terry Wogan played a big part in my upbringing. Every morning my mother would play Terry Wogan on the radio (or 'wireless' if you want to be pedantic!) while ate my breakfast and got ready for school.
And it was brilliant!
On the rare occasion I wasn't going to school, just listening to the banter between TW and Jimmy Young doing the hand-over at 9.30 would be the funniest thing I'd hear that week. It was legendary!
If it wasn't for Terry Wogan playing 'Waiting For an Alibi' by Thin Lizzy regularly during my formative years, I can honestly say that I would never have become a Rock Fan, and would have happily succumbed to the pop pap of The Buggles, Boney M and Lionel Ritchie. I would never then have grown my long hair, spent my hard-earned wages travelling to far-off Rock/Metal concerts (putting life, bank balance and school studies at risk), hence would never have ended up consigned to the shitty job I have now.
I would probably be working in a bank, earning 20 grands a week, and be the proud owner of a BMW and a three-bedroomed house. Instead of becoming the skint, work-shy bastard that I am.....
So I'd like to thank Terry Wogan for his undoubted part in my downfall.
Aye, Top 'o The Mornin' t'ya.
Ta very fucking much........
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Monday, July 26, 2004
The Company
The Company
I've started to compile the list of people who I will be writing about. Some I have already written about, and some are yet to be included.
Don't forget, it's easy to leave comments!
I've started to compile the list of people who I will be writing about. Some I have already written about, and some are yet to be included.
Don't forget, it's easy to leave comments!
Referee's Revenge.....
With all the complaining and personal attacks on referees recently (Mr Urs Meier, for one), is this a warning of things to come?
Can you see Hugh Dallas doing something similar?
Although I think he might have taken it too far.....
Can you see Hugh Dallas doing something similar?
Although I think he might have taken it too far.....
Thursday, July 22, 2004
The Wee Red Book
OK, so I just got this season’s Wee Red Book, the unofficial Bible to us football fans. It has all the stats you want, and more, on the teams who will be battling it out for the League title this season, along with comprehensive lists of previous winners, International games and competitions. Where else can you find out that Christian Dailly has played 54 times for Scotland? (Jesus H. Christ! 54! How could this have been allowed?)
I even caught The Professor reading it yesterday, devouring every page avidly while passing comment on some of the adverts in said tome…..including ads for laminate flooring, a bed clearance centre, internet-ready PCs for £99, double-glazing repairs (!), lap-dancing clubs, driving instructor training and refurbished cookers!
But these two caught his eye...
Award-winning Caledonia Sun Tattoos – with Body Piercing by ‘Big John’
(Now I would imagine if I ever contemplated having my flabby skin pierced, (for whatever reason) I’m damn sure I wouldn’t be getting it done by a guy called ‘Big John’!)
Or how about this…..?
B. Main, Sculptors – Monuments for a Loved One
All monuments come with:-
An 8 Year Guarantee!
(Guaranteed to do exactly what? And why for exactly 8 years? How would you take it back, and if you did would you get a refund??)
I even caught The Professor reading it yesterday, devouring every page avidly while passing comment on some of the adverts in said tome…..including ads for laminate flooring, a bed clearance centre, internet-ready PCs for £99, double-glazing repairs (!), lap-dancing clubs, driving instructor training and refurbished cookers!
But these two caught his eye...
Award-winning Caledonia Sun Tattoos – with Body Piercing by ‘Big John’
(Now I would imagine if I ever contemplated having my flabby skin pierced, (for whatever reason) I’m damn sure I wouldn’t be getting it done by a guy called ‘Big John’!)
Or how about this…..?
B. Main, Sculptors – Monuments for a Loved One
All monuments come with:-
An 8 Year Guarantee!
(Guaranteed to do exactly what? And why for exactly 8 years? How would you take it back, and if you did would you get a refund??)
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Introducing....My Better Half....?
My Wife - What a Treasure!
Not too long after we started 'courting' (how sweet!), and before she had really become accepted by all my best friends, the woman who became my Wife and I decided to travel to Glasgow to see one of our favourite bands play at 'The Cathouse'. We were to stay in a grotty little Guesthouse in Renfrew Street (anyone who's been to a Glasgow Gig with us knows exactly which Guesthouse this is!) and meet up with our good mates Sneaky Les and Marty & Lorna before the gig for a meal (and drinks!).
Now, Marty at the time was a bit on the large side and was very fond of his Pizzas (maybe these two facts were linked? At least he's seen the light and now eats nothing but lettuce, sawdust and cardboard!), so the decision was taken out of our hands as to where we were going for grub.
So off we went to Pizza Hut for some vein-clogging, cholesterol-laden crappy pizza.
And lo, it was crap. But, when we were there something amazing happened…..
You know when you're in company, and you try your best not to swear, fart or burp for fear of upsetting your new girlfriend/boyfriend and their pals? Y' know, trying to create an impression? Come on, now. We've all been there at one point or another.
Well, my good lady surpassed herself on this occasion…….
The restaurant was packed, every table was full and there was light (i.e. crap…) music playing in the background. We all consumed quite a few bottles of crappy American beer, and micro waved Pizza was scoffed aplenty.
In the 2 or 3-second lull between songs, my darling beloved decided the time was right to empty her full stomach of it's built up gas reserves.
Without even blinking an eye, she let rip.
BBBBBAAAAAAaaaaarrrrpppp!!!
Full, throaty, and not the slightest bit moist, the sound reverberated throughout the restaurant, catching everybody's full attention. Talk about 'filling the auditorium'! In fact it seemed to echo on for a good 10 seconds afterwards. I can still hear it now, actually.......An awesome hush quickly descended upon the collected masticators…..
The total silence thus ripped asunder, accusing fingers were rapidly pointed in her direction. And not just from us.....
There were people pointing and staring in awe at what they had just witnessed! Small children, scared for their lives started crying for their mothers! Two old biddies were struggling to climb under their table, fearing the ceiling would collapse! 3 people sitting at our table were pissing themselves with laughter, and wonderment/admiration!
And in the middle of all this, with just the tiniest hint of embarrassment - a wee touch of pink on her cheeks - all she could say was -
'…. Oops!', with her tiny hand covering her mouth..
A round of applause and the award of a 9 out of 10 for her efforts were duly given.
After all, credit where credit is due, yes?
Not too long after we started 'courting' (how sweet!), and before she had really become accepted by all my best friends, the woman who became my Wife and I decided to travel to Glasgow to see one of our favourite bands play at 'The Cathouse'. We were to stay in a grotty little Guesthouse in Renfrew Street (anyone who's been to a Glasgow Gig with us knows exactly which Guesthouse this is!) and meet up with our good mates Sneaky Les and Marty & Lorna before the gig for a meal (and drinks!).
Now, Marty at the time was a bit on the large side and was very fond of his Pizzas (maybe these two facts were linked? At least he's seen the light and now eats nothing but lettuce, sawdust and cardboard!), so the decision was taken out of our hands as to where we were going for grub.
So off we went to Pizza Hut for some vein-clogging, cholesterol-laden crappy pizza.
And lo, it was crap. But, when we were there something amazing happened…..
You know when you're in company, and you try your best not to swear, fart or burp for fear of upsetting your new girlfriend/boyfriend and their pals? Y' know, trying to create an impression? Come on, now. We've all been there at one point or another.
Well, my good lady surpassed herself on this occasion…….
The restaurant was packed, every table was full and there was light (i.e. crap…) music playing in the background. We all consumed quite a few bottles of crappy American beer, and micro waved Pizza was scoffed aplenty.
In the 2 or 3-second lull between songs, my darling beloved decided the time was right to empty her full stomach of it's built up gas reserves.
Without even blinking an eye, she let rip.
BBBBBAAAAAAaaaaarrrrpppp!!!
Full, throaty, and not the slightest bit moist, the sound reverberated throughout the restaurant, catching everybody's full attention. Talk about 'filling the auditorium'! In fact it seemed to echo on for a good 10 seconds afterwards. I can still hear it now, actually.......An awesome hush quickly descended upon the collected masticators…..
The total silence thus ripped asunder, accusing fingers were rapidly pointed in her direction. And not just from us.....
There were people pointing and staring in awe at what they had just witnessed! Small children, scared for their lives started crying for their mothers! Two old biddies were struggling to climb under their table, fearing the ceiling would collapse! 3 people sitting at our table were pissing themselves with laughter, and wonderment/admiration!
And in the middle of all this, with just the tiniest hint of embarrassment - a wee touch of pink on her cheeks - all she could say was -
'…. Oops!', with her tiny hand covering her mouth..
A round of applause and the award of a 9 out of 10 for her efforts were duly given.
After all, credit where credit is due, yes?
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Welcome to Utopia, Scotland. Pop. 4
Had a visit from my old mate Sinky, which led to an interesting afternoon's discussion.
He works in Aberdeen as a Social Worker, looking after 150 'troubled' kids, 24 hours at a time. He was enjoying his visit to his home town, and marvelled at the -as he put it - 'utopian lifestyle' we have here.
No muggings, no drug crime, no inner city degradation, no gangs of youths who would slit your throat for their next fix, no child prostitution, no extreme poverty or squalor.
The stories Sinky told us about these under-priveleged kids, and the lengths they sometimes have to go to just to survive, really drove home to us the quality of life we have here, and it does indeed make me thankful for my little lot.
Why then do all the local kids, as soon as they are able, sod off to University in Aberdeen, Edinburgh and Glasgow while citing my utopian hometown as a 'shithole'?
At the very least, it's a safe shithole........
He works in Aberdeen as a Social Worker, looking after 150 'troubled' kids, 24 hours at a time. He was enjoying his visit to his home town, and marvelled at the -as he put it - 'utopian lifestyle' we have here.
No muggings, no drug crime, no inner city degradation, no gangs of youths who would slit your throat for their next fix, no child prostitution, no extreme poverty or squalor.
The stories Sinky told us about these under-priveleged kids, and the lengths they sometimes have to go to just to survive, really drove home to us the quality of life we have here, and it does indeed make me thankful for my little lot.
Why then do all the local kids, as soon as they are able, sod off to University in Aberdeen, Edinburgh and Glasgow while citing my utopian hometown as a 'shithole'?
At the very least, it's a safe shithole........
Thursday, July 15, 2004
More Internet Myths De-Bunked....
Well, now we can consign to the history-bin (!) another of those internet myths....this time the one about the Rainbow 'Innuendo' Episode.....
Rainbow 'Innuendo' Episode
(Remember to click on the yellow push-button!)
Now if only they can get a hold of the Playschool clip where Hambel is caught shagging Little Ted...........!
Rainbow 'Innuendo' Episode
(Remember to click on the yellow push-button!)
Now if only they can get a hold of the Playschool clip where Hambel is caught shagging Little Ted...........!
The Return of 'Marblemooth' John.....
I got a visit at work today from ‘Marblemooth’ John, first time in ages that I’ve seen him.
(I had wondered if he had finally managed to throw off the shackles of alcoholism and cleaned up his act, but alas no. Pissed as ever in fact. )
Had a memorable conversation with him that, due to his shall we say ‘Highland’ accent, was largely incomprehensible.
Subjects that were definitely covered include - a wedding, sheep shearing, a car exhaust, hats, whisky and Inverness……all interspersed with comic sound effects and gestures.
If anyone remembers ‘The Fast Show’ on BBC2, this guy is ‘Marblemooth’ John to a tee. In fact he even looks a wee bit like him, too!
(I had wondered if he had finally managed to throw off the shackles of alcoholism and cleaned up his act, but alas no. Pissed as ever in fact. )
Had a memorable conversation with him that, due to his shall we say ‘Highland’ accent, was largely incomprehensible.
Subjects that were definitely covered include - a wedding, sheep shearing, a car exhaust, hats, whisky and Inverness……all interspersed with comic sound effects and gestures.
If anyone remembers ‘The Fast Show’ on BBC2, this guy is ‘Marblemooth’ John to a tee. In fact he even looks a wee bit like him, too!
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
She's a Battler, I'll give you that....
We've got the workmen in today, putting in a new flue for the Central Heating. And damn noisy they are too.
Was rudely whisked from 'Blanket Bay' this morning by the sound of my diminutive darling wife bossing around said workmen with -'..and how can you call that a workable kitchen with all this mess lying around....'- amongst other things.
Trust me lads, I'd get the job done ASAP if I were you.
Was rudely whisked from 'Blanket Bay' this morning by the sound of my diminutive darling wife bossing around said workmen with -'..and how can you call that a workable kitchen with all this mess lying around....'- amongst other things.
Trust me lads, I'd get the job done ASAP if I were you.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
The Things People Do….
On the short 10 minute walk to my place of employment my route takes me past the local Duck Pond and across the river. On a good day it’s a lovely wee walk, but on a bad day it's like traversing a wind tunnel.
The duck pond usually has some kids and mothers feeding the ducks (and those damnable scavenging scorries (known by TC as 'Shite-Hawks'!). In the middle of the pond there is a wee island where the ducks rest at night, safe from most predators. It's a nice little environment for them, I suppose.
The regular high winds had taken their toll on the withered old trees on this little island to the extent that one or two of them were in danger of falling over, so the Council drained the pond and set about cutting these trees down.
When they were done, and to save them from disposing of all these dead branches, they piled them all up on the side and hastily scrawled - 'Please Take Free Firewood' - on an old square bit of hardboard as a sign.
I noticed this on the way to work one morning.
On the way back home at night, I wasn't surprised to see that the wood-pile hadn't been touched but - *Shockeroonie* - someone had taken the hardboard sign!
*I am currently writing up an extensive résumé of some of the characters I am liable to write about, just to help you see the picture, so to speak! This may take a while, but won't interfere with normal postings.
The duck pond usually has some kids and mothers feeding the ducks (and those damnable scavenging scorries (known by TC as 'Shite-Hawks'!). In the middle of the pond there is a wee island where the ducks rest at night, safe from most predators. It's a nice little environment for them, I suppose.
The regular high winds had taken their toll on the withered old trees on this little island to the extent that one or two of them were in danger of falling over, so the Council drained the pond and set about cutting these trees down.
When they were done, and to save them from disposing of all these dead branches, they piled them all up on the side and hastily scrawled - 'Please Take Free Firewood' - on an old square bit of hardboard as a sign.
I noticed this on the way to work one morning.
On the way back home at night, I wasn't surprised to see that the wood-pile hadn't been touched but - *Shockeroonie* - someone had taken the hardboard sign!
*I am currently writing up an extensive résumé of some of the characters I am liable to write about, just to help you see the picture, so to speak! This may take a while, but won't interfere with normal postings.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
High Winds? Eh?
I can't believe the chaos that is being caused by these horrid high winds down in Englandshire. I mean, 40mph? That's outrageous!
(Force 7 on the Beaufort scale. Nowhere near 'Hurricane' level, but there you go.)
For blinking f*ck's sake, in the North of Scotland we often get high winds. Most days in fact.
(The trees up here don't grow very tall, and if they do then they grow sideways! That's if they survive long enough!)
At least twice a year we put up with winds of up to 100mph, and you don't hear us whinging on about fallen trees, power lines and tumbling walls.
Honestly, a lot of fuss about a few tiny gusts of wind?
No wonder some people call them 'soft southerners'.
(Force 7 on the Beaufort scale. Nowhere near 'Hurricane' level, but there you go.)
For blinking f*ck's sake, in the North of Scotland we often get high winds. Most days in fact.
(The trees up here don't grow very tall, and if they do then they grow sideways! That's if they survive long enough!)
At least twice a year we put up with winds of up to 100mph, and you don't hear us whinging on about fallen trees, power lines and tumbling walls.
Honestly, a lot of fuss about a few tiny gusts of wind?
No wonder some people call them 'soft southerners'.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Monday, July 05, 2004
Donington '91
I've always been a Rock and Heavy Metal fan, ever since hearing and seeing Status Quo and Judas Priest on Top of the Pops when I was about 10 years old. I still can't stand 'Pop' music and the way things have been going in the last 10 years, I never will.
When I was younger, we (that's me and some of my mates - Jambo, Chris, Marty Dave C, Mo, and others) used to travel every year to the Monsters of Rock Festival at Donington, near Derby in England.
The first year we all went, we had managed to get ourselves booked into the Four Poster Guest House in Castle Donington village itself, just about a mile's walk away from the gig. A cracking wee Guest House run by a wee woman who would have done anything for us. It was fantastic.
Anyway, on the eve of the gig we could hear music coming from the gig site, and being curious we got ourselves a carry-out and headed off into the darkness to see what we could see. I had a few tins of beer, as had everyone else except for Jambo, who had a 1 gallon container filled with Lager, Cider, Blackcurrant juice, vodka, and whisky - in fact there was nearly everything in it! If we had it, some went into Jambo's "Demon Brew"!
On the way to the site we were careful not to finish the carry-out, except for Jambo, who took it into his head to polish off his "Demon Brew" while calling us all "soft, Northern poofs" for not wanting to help him finish it. It tasted foul, so there was no chance.
Apparently they were doing a wee sound-check before the gig, and testing out the PA and speakers and the lights. We went along , had a good look and then headed back. Nothing interesting was going on (no sign of AC/DC or Metallica!) but on the way back to the village, Jambo sets off in front and is soon lost to our view. We weren't worried as Jambo was always doing this sort of thing. He can be very impatient at times, but we knew we'd see him back at the guest-house.
It was pitch dark and we were walking along a single track road with a verge and hedging along one side, just drinking our carry-outs and having a laugh. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something lying in a ditch under a hedge beside the road - looked like someone's T-shirt - so I went over to have a closer look…..
And there, fast asleep, was Jambo. His empty bottle of "Demon Brew" beside him and his clothes covered in mud.
"Here lads, come and have a look at this" I shouted, only to see Jambo rising from the dirt like a pissed Phoenix rising from, well, some dirt, with a big grin on his face shouting "Ha! Got you all! Surprise…..!" and staggering up onto the road.
To this day he still insists that he was waiting in the ditch to surprise us, and that we all fell into his cunning little ploy.
When I was younger, we (that's me and some of my mates - Jambo, Chris, Marty Dave C, Mo, and others) used to travel every year to the Monsters of Rock Festival at Donington, near Derby in England.
The first year we all went, we had managed to get ourselves booked into the Four Poster Guest House in Castle Donington village itself, just about a mile's walk away from the gig. A cracking wee Guest House run by a wee woman who would have done anything for us. It was fantastic.
Anyway, on the eve of the gig we could hear music coming from the gig site, and being curious we got ourselves a carry-out and headed off into the darkness to see what we could see. I had a few tins of beer, as had everyone else except for Jambo, who had a 1 gallon container filled with Lager, Cider, Blackcurrant juice, vodka, and whisky - in fact there was nearly everything in it! If we had it, some went into Jambo's "Demon Brew"!
On the way to the site we were careful not to finish the carry-out, except for Jambo, who took it into his head to polish off his "Demon Brew" while calling us all "soft, Northern poofs" for not wanting to help him finish it. It tasted foul, so there was no chance.
Apparently they were doing a wee sound-check before the gig, and testing out the PA and speakers and the lights. We went along , had a good look and then headed back. Nothing interesting was going on (no sign of AC/DC or Metallica!) but on the way back to the village, Jambo sets off in front and is soon lost to our view. We weren't worried as Jambo was always doing this sort of thing. He can be very impatient at times, but we knew we'd see him back at the guest-house.
It was pitch dark and we were walking along a single track road with a verge and hedging along one side, just drinking our carry-outs and having a laugh. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something lying in a ditch under a hedge beside the road - looked like someone's T-shirt - so I went over to have a closer look…..
And there, fast asleep, was Jambo. His empty bottle of "Demon Brew" beside him and his clothes covered in mud.
"Here lads, come and have a look at this" I shouted, only to see Jambo rising from the dirt like a pissed Phoenix rising from, well, some dirt, with a big grin on his face shouting "Ha! Got you all! Surprise…..!" and staggering up onto the road.
To this day he still insists that he was waiting in the ditch to surprise us, and that we all fell into his cunning little ploy.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Battle Chess!
One of the guys who used to come into the pub was a guy called Willie Work. No, really, that was his name. He was what you would affably call ‘a drunken eejit’. A really friendly chap who would speak to anybody (and everybody!) and wouldn’t say a bad word about anybody. He moved away from the area (in fact about as far away as you can on mainland Britain) 2 or 3 years ago now, and I haven’t heard from him since. But, there you go…
Willie used to come into the pub in the afternoons when it was quiet, and he was daft for playing draughts (or checkers as it’s known in the US). He was really quite good at it, and his boasts often filled the room. After yet another trouncing by him, I declared that “draughts is a kid’s game” and that we should play something more high-brow – Chess!
I was working so we set the board up across the bar-top, and away we went. The game started closely, until I made a rash move to spring a surprise on Willie and he countered with a fine fork on my King and Queen with his Knight. Blast! I had to forfeit my Queen and was now staring defeat in the face. What could I do? I decided to just wait my time, and capitalise on Willie's inevitable mistake……
….And it never arrived. He had the game sewn up and I seriously considered conceding.
By now, the bar was quite busy and a keen interest in the outcome of the game had kindled.
Seizing my chance to serve some thirsty customers, while still thinking about my predicament, I pour a pint for The Professor and go to hand it to him and, not looking properly, proceed to hit the side of the chess-board with the pint glass, knocking the (now rapidly emptying) glass out of my hand and all over the chess board, pieces flying everywhere, and foaming lager dripping all over the place. Cue uproar.
The look on Willie's face as he saw victory cruelly snatched from his grasp was hilarious, for most of us anyway! He just stared, open-mouthed for a few seconds, then erupted....
“What have you done? You’ve ruined it! I was on the point of winning that game! You cheating bar-steward!”.
“I’m sorry Willie; it was just one of those things! I didn’t mean to do it!” I weakly offered.
Of course, we could never remember exactly how the pieces were positioned so we couldn’t reassemble the board and carry on. Thankfully. Willie managed to calm down after I offered to buy him a pint, and soon after he managed to see the funny side of it all.
It only took Willie a few days further to gain revenge. I’d like to say that I let him win out of sympathy, but I can’t as it would be a lie. Fair and square, as they say.
After that, every time Willie got into a good position during a game he was kindly reminded to memorise the position ‘just in case anything should happen’!
Willie used to come into the pub in the afternoons when it was quiet, and he was daft for playing draughts (or checkers as it’s known in the US). He was really quite good at it, and his boasts often filled the room. After yet another trouncing by him, I declared that “draughts is a kid’s game” and that we should play something more high-brow – Chess!
I was working so we set the board up across the bar-top, and away we went. The game started closely, until I made a rash move to spring a surprise on Willie and he countered with a fine fork on my King and Queen with his Knight. Blast! I had to forfeit my Queen and was now staring defeat in the face. What could I do? I decided to just wait my time, and capitalise on Willie's inevitable mistake……
….And it never arrived. He had the game sewn up and I seriously considered conceding.
By now, the bar was quite busy and a keen interest in the outcome of the game had kindled.
Seizing my chance to serve some thirsty customers, while still thinking about my predicament, I pour a pint for The Professor and go to hand it to him and, not looking properly, proceed to hit the side of the chess-board with the pint glass, knocking the (now rapidly emptying) glass out of my hand and all over the chess board, pieces flying everywhere, and foaming lager dripping all over the place. Cue uproar.
The look on Willie's face as he saw victory cruelly snatched from his grasp was hilarious, for most of us anyway! He just stared, open-mouthed for a few seconds, then erupted....
“What have you done? You’ve ruined it! I was on the point of winning that game! You cheating bar-steward!”.
“I’m sorry Willie; it was just one of those things! I didn’t mean to do it!” I weakly offered.
Of course, we could never remember exactly how the pieces were positioned so we couldn’t reassemble the board and carry on. Thankfully. Willie managed to calm down after I offered to buy him a pint, and soon after he managed to see the funny side of it all.
It only took Willie a few days further to gain revenge. I’d like to say that I let him win out of sympathy, but I can’t as it would be a lie. Fair and square, as they say.
After that, every time Willie got into a good position during a game he was kindly reminded to memorise the position ‘just in case anything should happen’!
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