Mr Bent

This story goes back to the fantastic trip to Englandshire that we all went on during the summer of ’93.

Myself, Marty, Jambo, Chris, Fiona and Mark all set off on a wee jaunt to see Metallica (supported by Diamond Head, The Almighty and Megadeth) play at the Milton Keynes Bowl, then on up to Sheffield to see Def Leppard (supported by Terrorvision, Ugly Kid Joe and Thunder) play at The Don Valley Stadium.

Marty was left to arrange the accommodation for us all, and as we’d decided to go down a couple of days early to take in Vic and the Rattleheads in Nottingham Rock City last minute arrangements were made to stay 2 nights in Nottingham. Marty proudly announced - “I’ve got us a good deal in a B&B - £8 a head!” – which should have raised the alarm…

So off we toddle on the long drive to Nottingham.

I remember arriving at the B&B (which resembled a basic Council House) and being greeted with the sight of 4 Philipino boys sleeping under a tent in the living room! We were startled to say the least..

So we are allocated our rooms – Jambo, Chris and myself are upstairs in the Triple Room, while Marty is given ‘The Conservatory’ downstairs. Fiona had booked a charming wee B&B around the corner. Sensible lass.

We all go out for a pint or two, and then back to the B&B for some much needed rest. After some bacchanalian buffoonery upstairs, and two warnings from the owner, we settled down to get some kip.

We wake up bright and early, quick breakfast and into town for shopping. Marty then informs us that his ‘Conservatory’ is exactly that. An extension to the kitchen, with sheets tacked up to provide make-shift curtains. He also cryptically tells us “There’s something strange about that place…”, which we understandably laugh off.

Off to Rock City, watch a thoroughly average Megadeth warm-up gig and then back to the B&B again. This time the Conservatory has been allocated to me, on account of my alleged snoring the night before!??! I didn’t mind too much. Marty did offer me some advice though –“Don’t look in the bedside cabinet drawer..”

My first impressions as I entered the dreaded Conservatory was ”Fuck me, it IS a conservatory” with sheets for curtains, a camp-bed and strangely, a foot mirror on the floor at right angles to the bed. It was one of those small square mirrors you get in shoe shops, on a central hinge so they can be angle up at your face so you can see what your shoes look like.

There was indeed a bedside cabinet and tempted by Marty’s warning, I took a peek inside….

German Porn Mags. Tons of them.

I wake up in the morning to the sound of crashes and tinkerings in the kitchen as our host, Mr Gent, cooks up breakfast.

I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is the foot-mirror, and clear as day there is Mr Gent’s face looking STRAIGHT back at me….I froze, and spent the next few seconds piecing things together.

Porn Mags + Foot Mirror. Into which I can see him, but more importantly, HE CAN SEE ME…!

Was the positioning of the mirror crucial to this perv’s intention to catch one of us chucking one off the wrist?

Thankfully we never stayed around to find out. Breakfast was refused, and off we toddled to Milton Keynes for the next leg of our long weekend….

We never asked Marty to organise accommodation after that…..