It was a White Christmas after all...!
Monday, December 27, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Chrimbo..!
I'd just like to take the time to wish all (i.e., both!)of my loyal readers a warm, wooly, and wonderfully ecstatic Christmas!
May your God(s) go with you.
As St.Noddy of Holder would say...
...IT'S CHRISSSTMASSSS!
May your God(s) go with you.
As St.Noddy of Holder would say...
...IT'S CHRISSSTMASSSS!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
'Twas The Night After Christmas….
A Christmas Message…
This one goes back a couple of years. It involves alcohol, The Wife, the Police, the Fire Brigade and a smattering of woe. And some rude words…
It was Boxing Night, I'd just finished work at 6pm, and had settled down in the pub for a few pints. I knew that The Wife was working night shift in the Control Room of the local Police Station, and that she was going to her mum's for dinner. I'd have to cook my own when I got home. Ho-hum.
So, a night of excellent drinking japes, and much Bacchanalian buffoonery ensued. As time went on, however, I realised that it was getting late, and I'd not eaten yet. So I made my excuses and left at about 11pm. Well-oiled, as they say.
Back home and starving, I decide to cook up some sausages for my dinner. They were taking ages to cook, so in my (drunken) wisdom, I closed the grill door to keep the heat in. I mean, the sausages will cook quicker, won't they?
Next thing I know, the smoke alarm is peeping away, and there is smoke coming from the kitchen…..
No problem, open grill door, see that sausages are now charred remains, all they are doing is quickly converting themselves into smoke, which is pouring out. Open all the windows and waft a newspaper over the smoke alarm to get it to shut up. Under control.
Cut to The Wife -
She's at work, quietly directing coppers to check the local roads, as the snow has been falling hard. The 'phone rings, and it's the local Command Centre telling her that the Fire Brigade are attending a house fire in the very block of flats where she lives…!
"I hope it's not number 7…" she says, only to be told that it is indeed her house…
So how does she react? With the calmness and composure of a trained member of a stressful Control Room?
"THAT FUCKING, FUCKING BASTARD. I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!!!! THAT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
As I'd been fanning the smoke alarm, there was a heavy knock at the door. I expected some of the neighbours were getting annoyed at the noise, and were just making sure that I was OK. I open the door, and a swarm of Firemen pour into the house, through to the kitchen to check on the "fire", and upon seeing that there was no danger, back out again…except The Firewoman.
The Firewoman is the wife of a good, good friend of mine, and she stayed behind to give me a few words of wisdom - "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!", amongst a few others.
(Departing words from the Firemen? "Everything's under control. Hey, have you got any drink?", and when I say "No" they all dive into the flat across from me, where there is some, apparently!)
I also remember a Policeman asking a few questions. Apparently, they have to attend this sort of incident.
What had happened was this-
Our upstairs neighbour had heard the smoke alarm going for a while, and had come downstairs to check. He'd knocked on my door and got no reply, and smoke coming out from under the door, so he went back upstairs and rang 999 to report a fire. It was this knocking that must have aroused me from my alcoholically-induced slumber.
So, when the Police officers get back to the Police Station, what do you think is the first thing The Wife asks them?
"Is my darling husband OK?"
or
"Is the flat badly damaged?"
Nope, not a bit of it - "Is my cat OK?"
In the morning when she got home, she was most annoyed that I hadn't written off the cooker, as she's hated it for years! Halfway up the stairs there was two slices of half-eaten stale bread, which I knew nothing of…I must have tried eating them, as I knew I needed food..!
And by Christ, what an almighty bollocking she gave me though, and I suppose I deserved it….
However, there is a moral to all this..….
The Wife was reminded of this story when she went into work last night, and opened her payslip. There, in big bold letters was the following message:-
"WARNING!! 8 RECENT ALCOHOL RELATED FIRE DEATHS. PLEASE DO NOT COOK WHEN DRINKING. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!."
So everyone, please do not cook whilst under the influence of alcohol - you may not be as lucky as me……..
This one goes back a couple of years. It involves alcohol, The Wife, the Police, the Fire Brigade and a smattering of woe. And some rude words…
It was Boxing Night, I'd just finished work at 6pm, and had settled down in the pub for a few pints. I knew that The Wife was working night shift in the Control Room of the local Police Station, and that she was going to her mum's for dinner. I'd have to cook my own when I got home. Ho-hum.
So, a night of excellent drinking japes, and much Bacchanalian buffoonery ensued. As time went on, however, I realised that it was getting late, and I'd not eaten yet. So I made my excuses and left at about 11pm. Well-oiled, as they say.
Back home and starving, I decide to cook up some sausages for my dinner. They were taking ages to cook, so in my (drunken) wisdom, I closed the grill door to keep the heat in. I mean, the sausages will cook quicker, won't they?
Next thing I know, the smoke alarm is peeping away, and there is smoke coming from the kitchen…..
No problem, open grill door, see that sausages are now charred remains, all they are doing is quickly converting themselves into smoke, which is pouring out. Open all the windows and waft a newspaper over the smoke alarm to get it to shut up. Under control.
Cut to The Wife -
She's at work, quietly directing coppers to check the local roads, as the snow has been falling hard. The 'phone rings, and it's the local Command Centre telling her that the Fire Brigade are attending a house fire in the very block of flats where she lives…!
"I hope it's not number 7…" she says, only to be told that it is indeed her house…
So how does she react? With the calmness and composure of a trained member of a stressful Control Room?
"THAT FUCKING, FUCKING BASTARD. I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!!!! THAT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
As I'd been fanning the smoke alarm, there was a heavy knock at the door. I expected some of the neighbours were getting annoyed at the noise, and were just making sure that I was OK. I open the door, and a swarm of Firemen pour into the house, through to the kitchen to check on the "fire", and upon seeing that there was no danger, back out again…except The Firewoman.
The Firewoman is the wife of a good, good friend of mine, and she stayed behind to give me a few words of wisdom - "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!", amongst a few others.
(Departing words from the Firemen? "Everything's under control. Hey, have you got any drink?", and when I say "No" they all dive into the flat across from me, where there is some, apparently!)
I also remember a Policeman asking a few questions. Apparently, they have to attend this sort of incident.
What had happened was this-
Our upstairs neighbour had heard the smoke alarm going for a while, and had come downstairs to check. He'd knocked on my door and got no reply, and smoke coming out from under the door, so he went back upstairs and rang 999 to report a fire. It was this knocking that must have aroused me from my alcoholically-induced slumber.
So, when the Police officers get back to the Police Station, what do you think is the first thing The Wife asks them?
"Is my darling husband OK?"
or
"Is the flat badly damaged?"
Nope, not a bit of it - "Is my cat OK?"
In the morning when she got home, she was most annoyed that I hadn't written off the cooker, as she's hated it for years! Halfway up the stairs there was two slices of half-eaten stale bread, which I knew nothing of…I must have tried eating them, as I knew I needed food..!
And by Christ, what an almighty bollocking she gave me though, and I suppose I deserved it….
However, there is a moral to all this..….
The Wife was reminded of this story when she went into work last night, and opened her payslip. There, in big bold letters was the following message:-
"WARNING!! 8 RECENT ALCOHOL RELATED FIRE DEATHS. PLEASE DO NOT COOK WHEN DRINKING. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!."
So everyone, please do not cook whilst under the influence of alcohol - you may not be as lucky as me……..
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Human eye 'cannot spot offside'
An entirely credible report from the wonderful BBC News website, apart from one glaring error.
Under the column headline "Are You Blind, Referee?", they list the incident in the '86 World Cup where Maradona "allegedly" handles the ball over a sleeping Peter Shilton, and insinuate that Maradona may have been (WAS) offside as well.
Now, far be it from me to point out to the wonderful BBC, but,...
As the ball was played through to Maradona by an England defender, how could he possibly have been offside?
Answers on a postcard to:-
"BBC News Website,
4, We Still
Harbour Grudges Inn,
England"
Friday, December 17, 2004
Mad Friday.....
Today is the day known locally as "Mad Friday".
Traditionally, the whole town goes partying today, to celebrate the birth of Christ - by getting as pissed-up as humanly possible, spewing in the streets, abusing the bar-staff, flicking the "V's" at the cops, fighting each other, falling out with spouses, arguing with the Nurses while they insert the stitches and invariably shagging the wrong people. All before tea-time….
Originally started by the workers at the local Nuclear Power Station, "Mad Friday" was always the last Friday before Christmas, as this was the day the Power Station closed for two weeks. As next Friday is so close to Christmas, they are having it a week early this year, just to give themselves time to recover, I expect…
Each department has its own outing, usually to a hotel or restaurant where a Christmas Lunch is served, accompanied by much wine and beer. Then move on to another pub for more libations. And then on to the next pub. Then the next. Until the nightclub opens and the fun really starts..
When you put together about a thousand people, in groups of thirty to forty each, it can lead to problems you will agree. In fact, there are some startling sights to behold.
The day starts at about 11.30am, after leaving work early. Most parties have their meal booked for 12.30 or 1pm, so it's a good idea to get in to the pub early for a few starters. This is where you can suss out the people who could potentially become troublemakers later on. When you get parties like this, it's always the quiet, shy types, the ones who hardly ever go out to pubs, that end up making an arse of themselves. Well, nearly always..
Once the meal is over, it's back into the pub for more drinks, by this time the 'kitty' has started. Now, when you get 40 people, who all drink different things, you'd think that a simple drinks list would be ideal, for both party and bar-man alike. But when 'Sharon from the Canteen' decides that she doesn't really like Rum and Coke - "..it tasted differently when I had it last year…" - then the list has to change.
And it changes endlessly. The lads quickly find that going pint-against-short leaves them with extra pint-age, which they will have to abandon when the time comes to move on. So they switch to their preferred short. The girlies find that endless white wine spritzers just leaves them feeling bloated so they move on to vodka and coke, the standard ladies party drink, or Spiced Rum and coke for the more intrepid. So the list is nothing like it was when it started.
Then there are the 'Fly-guys'…
They are the type who get their drinks like the rest, but wander from table to table, socialising and surreptitiously leaving their drink behind pot plants, on window sills or just abandoned on a spare table. They are trying to stay sober, so as to have the best chances later on in the nightclub… routinely they fail nonetheless.
(The amount of drink I poured down the sink after each group had departed was astounding. Enough to make a jakey cry like a baby…)
Then there are the 'Doublers'…
These are the guys who are just interested in getting as pissed as possible, as quickly as possible. They get their drink from the kitty, down it ASAP, and then go back to the bar individually to buy more. But rather than queue again and again, they order doubles. While there, they invariable meet up with other like-minded souls.
"…And one for my mate Jock, as well. Make it a double…"
The most worrying thing though, is the inappropriate clothing worn by many of the young ladies. Just now we have a snow forecast for today or tomorrow, and the wind is blowing up a gale like normal. Yet we will undoubtedly see skimpy tops, short skirts and bare midriffs galore. And not a warm coat in sight.
Well, it is Christmas is it not…?
As this is the first time in ten years that I haven't worked "Mad Friday", I am quite looking forward to it. I'm making a point of keeping my usual Friday-5pm appointment with The Professor in one of the busiest pubs. I expect I will have to step over bodies just to reach the bar…
70's Ian says he will also be there, but he's out at his "Mad Friday" do, so he may not make it….
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
UEFA - Heavy Handed Punishment...?
Madrid Fined
"Real Madrid CF, meanwhile, have been fined €9,780 following the racist behaviour of some of their supporters during last month's UEFA Champions League game with Bayer 04 Leverkusen. UEFA had instigated disciplinary proceedings following an investigation into incidents at the Santiago Bernabéu on 23 November, which included racist chanting at the German club's black players. Some fans were also seen making Nazi salutes."
Copied and pasted from the official UEFA website:- uefa.com
For me, this is astonishing!
Real Madrid are one of the richest (if not the richest) clubs in the world today. They can boast of at least 6 of the world's greatest current players amongst their ranks, (Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo, Raul, Roberto Carlos and Casillas, in case anyone is mumbling away in the cheap seats..) who command payments from their club far in excess of anything we, as mere mortals, can ever begin to imagine.
So why the flipping fuck are UEFA fining a club whose wealth exceeds that of most African countries (and some lesser European ones too, I may humbly add..) such a paltry sum?
Jesus-effing-forest, what is ten thousand euros to a club like that?
Nothing. Nada. Nicht.
Yet Roma had to play 3 games behind closed doors for being unfortunate enough that a ref was actually hit by an object thrown during a game. If the thrown lighter had missed, absolutely nothing would have been done. Honestly, they are punished because the guy that threw it had a good aim...?
What.
The.
Fuck?
Yet a simple, unequivocal, undeniable affront to decent, dare I say it 'normal' football followers and fans alike, televised throughout the world (and elsewhere) is dealt with in such a derisory way by the rulers of our game in Europe....
What sort of message is UEFA sending out to the supporters of such reprehensible behaviour? The racists and bigots and neanderthal, knuckle-scraping, oxygen-thieving idiots who regularly think nothing of shouting racist and obnoxious abuse, safe in the knowledge that they are beyond reproach?
"Real Madrid CF, meanwhile, have been fined €9,780 following the racist behaviour of some of their supporters during last month's UEFA Champions League game with Bayer 04 Leverkusen. UEFA had instigated disciplinary proceedings following an investigation into incidents at the Santiago Bernabéu on 23 November, which included racist chanting at the German club's black players. Some fans were also seen making Nazi salutes."
Copied and pasted from the official UEFA website:- uefa.com
For me, this is astonishing!
Real Madrid are one of the richest (if not the richest) clubs in the world today. They can boast of at least 6 of the world's greatest current players amongst their ranks, (Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo, Raul, Roberto Carlos and Casillas, in case anyone is mumbling away in the cheap seats..) who command payments from their club far in excess of anything we, as mere mortals, can ever begin to imagine.
So why the flipping fuck are UEFA fining a club whose wealth exceeds that of most African countries (and some lesser European ones too, I may humbly add..) such a paltry sum?
Jesus-effing-forest, what is ten thousand euros to a club like that?
Nothing. Nada. Nicht.
Yet Roma had to play 3 games behind closed doors for being unfortunate enough that a ref was actually hit by an object thrown during a game. If the thrown lighter had missed, absolutely nothing would have been done. Honestly, they are punished because the guy that threw it had a good aim...?
What.
The.
Fuck?
Yet a simple, unequivocal, undeniable affront to decent, dare I say it 'normal' football followers and fans alike, televised throughout the world (and elsewhere) is dealt with in such a derisory way by the rulers of our game in Europe....
What sort of message is UEFA sending out to the supporters of such reprehensible behaviour? The racists and bigots and neanderthal, knuckle-scraping, oxygen-thieving idiots who regularly think nothing of shouting racist and obnoxious abuse, safe in the knowledge that they are beyond reproach?
Sunday, December 12, 2004
University Of The Bleeding Obvious...
It's gotta be said, The University of the Bleeding Obvious is a top site for humourous stories.
One can only take a step backwards and admire a mind that can come up with Oven Chimps!
The rest of the site is no' bad an' all!
After all the bad news recently, it's good to read some WorldWideWundaweb stuff that makes me laugh out loud....
One can only take a step backwards and admire a mind that can come up with Oven Chimps!
The rest of the site is no' bad an' all!
After all the bad news recently, it's good to read some WorldWideWundaweb stuff that makes me laugh out loud....
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"Carpe Scrotum"
For those interested in a wee rant, have a look at THIS.
You can almost feel his frustration at a country that is literally going to the dogs....
You can almost feel his frustration at a country that is literally going to the dogs....
Monday, December 06, 2004
Dear Merriam-Webster....
Dear Merriam-Webster,
This blog condemns the incumbent electoral insurgent commonly known as George W. Bush, and the way he ignores the wishes of his people, treating them as nothing more than a hurricane-tossed cicada from his lofty position at the helm of his peloton of self-approved partisan sovereignty.
Defenestration would be fitting......
Kind regards,
The Man Behind The Bar....
This blog condemns the incumbent electoral insurgent commonly known as George W. Bush, and the way he ignores the wishes of his people, treating them as nothing more than a hurricane-tossed cicada from his lofty position at the helm of his peloton of self-approved partisan sovereignty.
Defenestration would be fitting......
Kind regards,
The Man Behind The Bar....
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Spelling Is Not Child's Play.......
Of course it is....?
As one who prides himself on his spelling skills, (it was one of the few things I was Top Of The Class at) it seems that I approached This with somewhat misplaced confidence...
Shite! Only 5 right?
That's right.
5.
FIVE.
Thank fuck it didn't cover grammar as well!
I'm going to get pelters from The Professor about this...
As one who prides himself on his spelling skills, (it was one of the few things I was Top Of The Class at) it seems that I approached This with somewhat misplaced confidence...
Shite! Only 5 right?
That's right.
5.
FIVE.
Thank fuck it didn't cover grammar as well!
I'm going to get pelters from The Professor about this...
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